F1 2024

An Armchair Experts guide to Round 2 - Saudi Arabia

To be honest I'm not sure who I'd be more nervous getting a text from this week Mohammed Ben Sulayem or Christain Horner. One would ask me what I was wearing, and the other would try to overturn my wifes ban on me wearing leopard skin undies. 

I don't think it's ever been said before but “F1 is a funny sport"…unless of course you are a female being harassed by a team principle via messaging or or a female living under an oppressive Saudi regime...then it's not really funny at all...but hey you'll still get lot's of George Russell shots with his top off.

Anyway, here’s my guide to what to expect from Jedda.

1. RB Visa Whatsthat credit cash Torro Alpha thingy. 

Creating the absolute highlight of Bahrain, (and impressively doing it after the race ended), I would love to have been a fly on the ceiling of RB’s debrief (ceiling not wall so I could see Yuki above his computer monitor).  If you missed it Yuki is on a Drive To Survive bonus this year to regularly dive bomb Danny Ric over a position swap during the race. Two things history tells us Yuki would do to remember - 1. Red Bull dont like rouges despite building a brand on it and, 2. Dive bombing and the Japanese never ends well for anyone. Expect both drivers to come out firing in Saudi and delivering a riveting and  electric lapped 14th & 15th.

2. The Other RB…the good one.  

Apart from Daddy issues, life must be grand for Max at the moment. Sergio has accepted he’s two minutes a lap slower, the car is a bullet and Mercedes are currently offering everything but Toto’s family for him to join them. The only interesting thing will be what radio station he tunes into to help the drive pass quickly after lap 2 Red Bull to win by 17 laps.

3. Ferrari

This is classic Ferrari. March - get the Tofosi super excited - June - put 1971 Fiat 500 tryres on the car at first pit stop. I’ve seen this film before…funnily enough also called Ferrari. For now 3rd and 4th to build up the hope before the crash!

4. Kick The Gambling Habit

Zhou was the unsung hero of Bahrain. He drove beautifully and can put Jedda in his Valteri nude calendar as a chance for points. Expect the team to do well until VB gets hit by a rouge camel running across the track or one of the 14 spectators who are actually there dropping his DIY razor sharp nail collection in front of VB’s car lap 1!

5. Mercedes

Mercedes and Toto are in a good place. Not because of the driving or car but because they can scroll through Horner meme’s 24/7. Toto is to smart to believe in Karma…but he’s mainly not on the mic to the engineers during racing but on the phone to Susie laughing about new X tweets about Red Bull imploding. Expect best of the rest on track this weekend and best of the best on parody social media.

6. McLaren

Oscar’s improved race pace and tyre management, as predicted in his 2nd year, will see the Papaya team score well early. Let’s just hope the two nicest blokes you’d love to take home to mum stay drip and in love as they get to tracks like Jedda that will suit the car that now takes slower corners more like an F1 car and less like a 1984 Citroen. Solid 7th and 8th for mine!

7. Hass

The Hass at times looked quicker than Gunther’s seamless leap to the public speaking circuit…he’s doing shows in Australia this week…he only got the arse a few weeks ago...impressive...the guy knows how to pivot…fast! So despite “Gene” putting in a total of $27.35 into the team last year the Haas seems quicker and consumes tyres now slightly less than it does its fuel. Good signs here Haas fans (both of you). 

8. Williams

In a novel move for Jedda, Williams wont be using a 32bit Atari wheel for this race which should A. Make Albon more competitive and B. Deny Logan of any valid excuse for testing every run off area. Some interesting data Sam Collins has missed is that there is a mens clothes brand called Sergeant In Slovakia, so on place of birth Williams drivers are looking good by having both a Shirt and a Thai. Dont know where they will finish but add 5 spots better for Alex over' the shirt'.

9. Aston

 My 2024 obsession with Aston remains - “How do I get an invite to that launch party on this seasons Drive To Survive that Aston threw in the Riviera?”  Bloody hell that looked like the coolest night in history, sort of Wolf of Wall St but with good looking people, and I’d give anything to pat Michael Douglas’ head like a faithful Labrador as Lawrence Stroll did. Jedda top 10 for both drivers.

10. Alpine

The only reason for Alpine to show up is in the hope Ryan Reynolds does too. Don't even take the cars guys, the extra car weight charge on freight will drive you broke…19th 20th of Double DNS

I’ll be back Monday for a highly misguided review. 

The Armchair expert would love to hear your thoughts, so please leave a comment on your way out below🙏